Wolf Vs. Fox

Wanna know what 2 years sober is like?

Teen Wolf.

It’s exactly like the movie Teen Wolf.

If you didn’t already realize that the movie is about addiction, allow me to point out all the obvious allusions: First of all, he gets it from his father. Enter ‘The Family Curse’, as it were. When he’s the wolf, he’s an unstoppable, charismatic, party animal (ahem). He’s fearless. He does everything better. Hell, he even plays basketball better. But after it alienates the one he loves (Boo, I believe her name was) he rethinks his whole wolf side. He decides to not be the wolf for love, consequently nearly loses the big game, learns that if he tries 50,000 times harder and relies on his shitty team, he can just nearly scrape by. Cue fluke free throw at the buzzer. Boom. Get’s the girl. Teaches some teens in the 80’s who are tripping out hard enough to understand what this really means a lesson-and roll credits.

What they don’t tell you is what happens after the movie (‘TEEN WOLF, TOO’ DOES NOT COUNT AND YOU KNOW IT). I imagine he and Boo dated for a while but that went south. What were they, in high school? Fuck that. No way they stayed together. So when that shit ended, he probably said, “Fuck this. Imma wolf out all the time now. Who’s gonna stop me? Love is bullshit.” And why not? So he gets wolfed the fuck out every night. Gets to the point where he starts wolfin’ out on the job- and turns out- he does his job just as good IF NOT BETTER as the wolf!! The wolf fucking rules.

Years of winning big and losing hard go by. He probably gets fired and rehired and fired again. Non-wolf girls come and go and he’s too wolfed out to care. Then he meets this SHE-WOLF. And MAN can this bitch WOLF. They wolf out like crazy together. The whole relationship is crazy, passionate, wolf sex followed by scratching and clawing wolf fights followed by even better make up wolf sex and on and on. But the fights get crazier and crazier until she ends up breaking his heart and driving him into a furry, blurry downward spiral until he’s rock-bottom. So, he decides it’s time to stop being the wolf again. After all, it’s been 17 years of non stop wolf. “I just wanna be Micheal J. Fox again…”, whatever his character’s name is probably says in the mirror in a poignant moment.

A couple of months go by. He’s heartbroken in the worst way because his human heart is not as resilient as his wolf one is. He asks the she-wolf if she’d quit wolfin’ for him so they could try being together as humans. She agrees, but as the months go by, he keeps catching her wolfin’ out on the sly. She tries to lie to him about it but c’mon. “Bitch, you a wolf right now. It’s all over your face.”, is most likely a line from this movie. Gets to the point every time he’s not around, she’s wolfin’ out- HARD. But he’s been there. He knows what it’s like. I imagine he tries to understand and keeps forgiving her and forgiving her until one night he wakes up to check on a bump in the night and she’s on the floor, almost dead, from wolfin’ out so hard.

So, in his most courageous move as a human to date, he cuts that lying, wolf bitch loose. He’s probably completely heart broken over it. He loved that wolf very much. But the claws are deep in her (metaphorically and literally, as she is part wolf) and he couldn’t be burdened by it any longer. He lives out his days as boring, old Micheal J. Fox, never to break dance, as a wolf, on top of a moving van again.

Here’s how l’ll probably pitch the ending to the Hollywood people when they read this and want to buy my completely fictional story: “And in a sick twist… it is as a human, that he is forced to learn to live…as a lone wolf.”

This shit fucking writes itself.

-and roll credits.


One comment

  1. Pingback: Wolf Vs. Fox | W.C. Schalda Jr.

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